You know that this is coming, so I'm just gonna jump right into it. One thing to know, it's all my opinion so don't kill me for it.
12. The 5th Wave
So no surprise that everyone forgot about this one, right? Well, nonetheless, it sucked. Sure Allegiant might in hindsight be taking this place as yet another disposable YA dystopian write-off - as well as The Thinning or Max Steel for that matter - but The 5th Wave left me with such a huge bad taste in my mouth that I couldn't jump for joy sooner seeing it tank at the box office. Poorly constructed, all over the place, and just emotionally vacant, The 5th Wave tries way too hard the cash in Hunger Games money by comparison to any of the aforementioned YA movies but then fails more mightily than any of them. Can Hollywood just please use Chloe Moretz in better movies, please?
11. Nina
Ugh, what a dreadful piece of shit. I'm in awe at just how amazingly insulting this might've been the legacy and the loyal fans of the famous Nina Symone. The script is weak, the story is uninteresting, every scene with Nina plays out so limp and awkward, the tone is off-the-wall random, Zoe Saldana looks so unconvincing and embarrassing as Nina Symone it almost looks like a stereotype, and the music numbers - which would've been at least been the good part - comes and goes aloofly. But probably the most damning was the idea that someone literally looked at the iconic figure who struggled terribly to make the world hear her voice throughout her career and say "hey, let's make her a bitchy old hermit and tell a story about how she needs to lighten up! Brilliant!"
10. Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice
Yeah, let’s get this out of the way. Look I’m the last person who should be accused having biased opinions against the latest DC movies. I treat any comic book movie as ‘movies’, not just accurate 2 ½ hour toy commercials! But even that considering, Dawn of Justice is just a misfire. What could’ve been the brawl to end all brawls with two iconic comic book heroes with big ideas and moral codes get washed down by Warner Bros. dreary corporate agenda. The characters are boring shmucks who either have too much motivation or not enough; Zack Snyders’ aesthetic and direction looks ugly and washed out; the story feels like a blended mess of seven billion plot points; and the fact that it dares to shit on the legacy of our beloved DC characters with the “this isn’t 1938 anymore, Clark!” perfectly sums up the cynical mindset of these DC movies. Someone, please fix these movies before I start losing my trust with these guys!
9. Legend of Tarzan
Out of all the classic movie icons, how do you fuck up TARZAN?! There’s a lot of ways you can approach this movie that David Yates just never bothered to consider. This could either be a gonzo fun throwback to the classic pulpy adventure movies or a deep, character-focused jungle movie about Tarzan much like the original Disney movie did. Instead, while also soaked in the same depressing and phony aesthetic of every bland modern blockbuster, the movie tries way too hard to dispel the supposed racist and uncomfortable politics of the original story… and still ending up being as, if not more, racist. Out of all the things that don’t work like consistently reasonable flashbacks, wasted actors, and bad CGI, the last thing you want to be remembered as a movie should be “hey isn’t that that Tarzan movie that Forrest Gumps his way into African Slavery and ultimately takes credit from a famous black anti-slave guy?”
8. The Founder
When it comes to blatant real story Oscar Baits about otherwise terrible people, there are many ways to do it. There’s the bland, safe, derivative angle that lionizes the iconic hero, no matter how troubling his actions seem to be (American Sniper). And there’s the smarter, edgier, more nuanced way that deconstructs the aforementioned hero that says something insightful about his perception of the world he/she tries to impact juxtaposing with the reality. (The Social Network) But surprise, the latest from corporate hack John Lee Hancock’s The Founder might be suited for the latter but snuggly sides with the former. What could’ve been practically great satirical material – about an asshole businessman Ray Kroc doing shady shit to make one of the biggest, unhealthiest fast food chains that doom the health of almost all Americans – instead subsides into the typical and bland retelling about how super-innocent Kroc and his ever-so inspiring started from the bottom stories. It's a schmaltzy nothing of a film that sadly disservices the otherwise underappreciated Michael Keaton performance, with the sole purpose is to earn a nomination, hope to get an award and fall into the void of cable TV reruns. A shame.
7. Independence Day Resurgence
I honestly would’ve hated this movie even more in hindsight, but I’m still wondering how I managed to forget nearly all of Resurgence. All I know is that, out of all the things you can’t fuck up in the sequel to one of the most memorable pieces of modern blockbusters, not trying hard enough, in general, should be the last thing to fuck up.
6. Alice Through the Looking Glass
Watching this movie was like watching my brain shoot itself. Obnoxious, embarrassing, and stupid, Alice Through the Looking Glass sucks so hard this year that I almost considered giving the otherwise underwhelming first movie credit for at least trying. How bad is it when Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and crew somehow give out a performance that’s more terrible than Sacha Barron Coen? How is it that the director of the two recent Muppets movie gives out a joyless, meandering effort like this? How can you possibly invest millions of dollars to a movie that fundamentally never fricken works?!
5. The Sea of Trees
I’m honestly dumbfounded that movies like these are still being made. I’ve never seen a movie that starts out promising and ended in such a train wreck in my life. I rather not spoil this since the biggest fuck-up is how it ends, but suffice to say, imagine a really meditative look on depression (i.e. Manchester By the Sea) then ends in one of the dumbest, manipulating reveal (i.e. Dragonfly)
4. Yoga Hosers
Y’know I may not share as much contempt as other former fans of Kevin Smith, but this movie really makes me understand more than 2014’s, Tusk. Even amongst the terrible acting, embarrassing cameos and amateur directing, what really worsens this experience stem from the idea that it’s an attempt by Smith to lash out against his “haterz”! Yes, the whole stupid movie is merely a half-assed metaphor of the mean ol’ critics in the same way M. Night Shyamalan did for Lady in the Water. What a sad experience.
3. Collateral Beauty
Speaking of sad, here’s a sappy and insulting depiction of sadness since Hellen. In a year when Manchester by the Sea and A Monster Calls both try to tell themes of depression either by innovation and nuance, it should be a sin for Collateral Beauty to deliver such a lazy, uninspired effort. What’s even more sinful is what’s below the surface; what the shitty trailers hide is actually a rather distasteful and complicated story about how Will Smiths suffers from depression and how his friends/coworkers try to sell him out because of it. By staging three actors to play figments of Smith’s perception of Love, Death, and Time (yes, really), the coworkers use this opportunity to make him look crazy to his higher-ups so that he can lose his job and they keep theirs. Oh, but they all have sad sub stories so that excuses everything. Even if this movie uses Smith’s depression as a plot device for this movie seems baffling, the biggest sin is how stupid and lazy it manages to solve it in the end. This is a movie that made me both laugh unintendedly and cringe in anger. Don’t bother!
2. I’m Not Ashamed
1. Hillary’s America
I hate everything about Hillary’s America. I hated Dinesh D’Souza, his stupid conspiracy movies, and his disjointed fucking face. I hated how he dares to frame out-of-context historical events as a means to frame the Democrats as some sort of Racist Templars. I hated how badly acted, poorly staged, and fundamentally stupid it all is. I hated how literally anyone can watch this and fall for this nonsense. I hate how this is the type of shit that can influence the garbage fire that is this election. I hated how it always occupies itself for hating Hillary Clinton and not once considered Donald Trump or Mike Pence or any other hack in Congress right now. I hate how this movie still drives home every debunked, unimportant, or fucking absurd conservative bias. I hate everything about this movie. Whenever I look positive on our progress in life, I look at Hillary’s America and wound up feeling like we haven’t moved on at all. I HATE THIS MOVIE. UGH!!!!
Well, that’s my list of the Worst of 2016. Agree? Disagree? Feel free to let me know.
