Top 10 Movies I HATED in 2016

You know that this is coming, so I'm just gonna jump right into it. One thing to know, it's all my opinion so don't kill me for it.

12. The 5th Wave

           So no surprise that everyone forgot about this one, right? Well, nonetheless, it sucked. Sure Allegiant might in hindsight be taking this place as yet another disposable YA dystopian write-off - as well as The Thinning or Max Steel for that matter - but The 5th Wave left me with such a huge bad taste in my mouth that I couldn't jump for joy sooner seeing it tank at the box office. Poorly constructed, all over the place, and just emotionally vacant, The 5th Wave tries way too hard the cash in Hunger Games money by comparison to any of the aforementioned YA movies but then fails more mightily than any of them. Can Hollywood just please use Chloe Moretz in better movies, please?

11. Nina

            Ugh, what a dreadful piece of shit. I'm in awe at just how amazingly insulting this might've been the legacy and the loyal fans of the famous Nina Symone. The script is weak, the story is uninteresting, every scene with Nina plays out so limp and awkward, the tone is off-the-wall random, Zoe Saldana looks so unconvincing and embarrassing as Nina Symone it almost looks like a stereotype, and the music numbers - which would've been at least been the good part - comes and goes aloofly. But probably the most damning was the idea that someone literally looked at the iconic figure who struggled terribly to make the world hear her voice throughout her career and say "hey, let's make her a bitchy old hermit and tell a story about how she needs to lighten up! Brilliant!" 

10. Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice

            Yeah, let’s get this out of the way. Look I’m the last person who should be accused having biased opinions against the latest DC movies. I treat any comic book movie as ‘movies’, not just accurate 2 ½ hour toy commercials! But even that considering, Dawn of Justice is just a misfire. What could’ve been the brawl to end all brawls with two iconic comic book heroes with big ideas and moral codes get washed down by Warner Bros. dreary corporate agenda. The characters are boring shmucks who either have too much motivation or not enough; Zack Snyders’ aesthetic and direction looks ugly and washed out; the story feels like a blended mess of seven billion plot points; and the fact that it dares to shit on the legacy of our beloved DC characters with the “this isn’t 1938 anymore, Clark!” perfectly sums up the cynical mindset of these DC movies. Someone, please fix these movies before I start losing my trust with these guys!

9. Legend of Tarzan

            Out of all the classic movie icons, how do you fuck up TARZAN?! There’s a lot of ways you can approach this movie that David Yates just never bothered to consider. This could either be a gonzo fun throwback to the classic pulpy adventure movies or a deep, character-focused jungle movie about Tarzan much like the original Disney movie did. Instead, while also soaked in the same depressing and phony aesthetic of every bland modern blockbuster, the movie tries way too hard to dispel the supposed racist and uncomfortable politics of the original story… and still ending up being as, if not more, racist. Out of all the things that don’t work like consistently reasonable flashbacks, wasted actors, and bad CGI, the last thing you want to be remembered as a movie should be “hey isn’t that that Tarzan movie that Forrest Gumps his way into African Slavery and ultimately takes credit from a famous black anti-slave guy?”

8. The Founder

            When it comes to blatant real story Oscar Baits about otherwise terrible people, there are many ways to do it. There’s the bland, safe, derivative angle that lionizes the iconic hero, no matter how troubling his actions seem to be (American Sniper). And there’s the smarter, edgier, more nuanced way that deconstructs the aforementioned hero that says something insightful about his perception of the world he/she tries to impact juxtaposing with the reality. (The Social Network) But surprise, the latest from corporate hack John Lee Hancock’s The Founder might be suited for the latter but snuggly sides with the former. What could’ve been practically great satirical material – about an asshole businessman Ray Kroc doing shady shit to make one of the biggest, unhealthiest fast food chains that doom the health of almost all Americans – instead subsides into the typical and bland retelling about how super-innocent Kroc and his ever-so inspiring started from the bottom stories. It's a schmaltzy nothing of a film that sadly disservices the otherwise underappreciated Michael Keaton performance, with the sole purpose is to earn a nomination, hope to get an award and fall into the void of cable TV reruns. A shame.

7. Independence Day Resurgence

            I honestly would’ve hated this movie even more in hindsight, but I’m still wondering how I managed to forget nearly all of Resurgence. All I know is that, out of all the things you can’t fuck up in the sequel to one of the most memorable pieces of modern blockbusters, not trying hard enough, in general, should be the last thing to fuck up.

6. Alice Through the Looking Glass

        Watching this movie was like watching my brain shoot itself. Obnoxious, embarrassing, and stupid, Alice Through the Looking Glass sucks so hard this year that I almost considered giving the otherwise underwhelming first movie credit for at least trying. How bad is it when Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and crew somehow give out a performance that’s more terrible than Sacha Barron Coen? How is it that the director of the two recent Muppets movie gives out a joyless, meandering effort like this? How can you possibly invest millions of dollars to a movie that fundamentally never fricken works?!

5. The Sea of Trees

        I’m honestly dumbfounded that movies like these are still being made. I’ve never seen a movie that starts out promising and ended in such a train wreck in my life. I rather not spoil this since the biggest fuck-up is how it ends, but suffice to say, imagine a really meditative look on depression (i.e. Manchester By the Sea) then ends in one of the dumbest, manipulating reveal (i.e. Dragonfly)

4. Yoga Hosers

        Y’know I may not share as much contempt as other former fans of Kevin Smith, but this movie really makes me understand more than 2014’s, Tusk. Even amongst the terrible acting, embarrassing cameos and amateur directing, what really worsens this experience stem from the idea that it’s an attempt by Smith to lash out against his “haterz”! Yes, the whole stupid movie is merely a half-assed metaphor of the mean ol’ critics in the same way M. Night Shyamalan did for Lady in the Water. What a sad experience.

3. Collateral Beauty

            Speaking of sad, here’s a sappy and insulting depiction of sadness since Hellen. In a year when Manchester by the Sea and A Monster Calls both try to tell themes of depression either by innovation and nuance, it should be a sin for Collateral Beauty to deliver such a lazy, uninspired effort. What’s even more sinful is what’s below the surface; what the shitty trailers hide is actually a rather distasteful and complicated story about how Will Smiths suffers from depression and how his friends/coworkers try to sell him out because of it. By staging three actors to play figments of Smith’s perception of Love, Death, and Time (yes, really), the coworkers use this opportunity to make him look crazy to his higher-ups so that he can lose his job and they keep theirs. Oh, but they all have sad sub stories so that excuses everything. Even if this movie uses Smith’s depression as a plot device for this movie seems baffling, the biggest sin is how stupid and lazy it manages to solve it in the end. This is a movie that made me both laugh unintendedly and cringe in anger. Don’t bother!

2. I’m Not Ashamed

            Ugh, look I don’t hate this movie because of any sort of religious bias against Christians. As a smart human being, I openly welcome anyone of my friends, family, and everyone around me to say their opinions and beliefs all they want. It is not my position to force my beliefs upon everyone else and I allow anyone to do as they please. But, when watching a movie about a cheerfully giddy girl doing exactly that and the only people who would stop her from doing so is literally the shooters of Columbine High School, that’s when all my compassion goes down the shitter! Yet another case of Christian persecution complex disguised as Lifetime TV quality treacle, the unholy PureFlix dares exploits the Columbine Massacre as a means to push their religious agendas by framing victim Rachel Joy Scott as practically Moses in her exodus to spread the good word before her untimely demise. Horrible staging, bland acting, and no pacing/editing flow whatsoever, I’m Not Ashamed fails as both a compelling high school drama or accurate real-life depiction. Oh, and of course Eric and Dylan are framed as literal fascists who plays video games, because that’s how retrograde and insulting this movie manages to be. 

1. Hillary’s America

            I hate everything about Hillary’s America. I hated Dinesh D’Souza, his stupid conspiracy movies, and his disjointed fucking face. I hated how he dares to frame out-of-context historical events as a means to frame the Democrats as some sort of Racist Templars. I hated how badly acted, poorly staged, and fundamentally stupid it all is. I hated how literally anyone can watch this and fall for this nonsense. I hate how this is the type of shit that can influence the garbage fire that is this election. I hated how it always occupies itself for hating Hillary Clinton and not once considered Donald Trump or Mike Pence or any other hack in Congress right now. I hate how this movie still drives home every debunked, unimportant, or fucking absurd conservative bias. I hate everything about this movie. Whenever I look positive on our progress in life, I look at Hillary’s America and wound up feeling like we haven’t moved on at all. I HATE THIS MOVIE. UGH!!!!

            Well, that’s my list of the Worst of 2016. Agree? Disagree? Feel free to let me know. 

Top 12 Movies I Loved in 2016

So... Hey! It's been a while, huh? 

Anyway here it is, what I perceive is the best films of 2016. Some movies on this list may not be your favorite, but this could be an opportunity to check these out. One last thing: what I seek out every year is the best movies in my opinion. I try my best to exclude any bias or Metacritic rating correlation so that I could be as authentic with my decisions as possible. Some films you may never hear about are probably on this list. So in that case, sorry if Deadpool, Zootopia, Rogue One, or even Manchester By The Sea aren't on this list. They're all great, but I zero in on movies I personally got moved by. So, let's get started.

12. The Nice Guys

Now here’s a movie I’m still shocked they still make. A sleazy buddy-cop crime movie directed by the ever-so awesome Shane Black, The Nice Guys feels so much like it got ripped wholesale from old 80’s cop movies but made entirely fresh and exciting. It basically has everything you like in this type of movie; shootings, hot girls, goody moments, comedic energy, and Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling doing their most hilarious turns of the year. You probably missed this gem during the time you were watching Captain America, but you should totally check this out!

11. Arrival

I almost have a subconscious urge not to put this movie on the list too fast. It certainly loses most of its credibility during its near implausible third act that feels so out of place from the rest of the film. However, after long and deep reevaluation, I realized that the films accomplishments drastically outweigh its small flaws. To put it simply, Arrival is just a smart, engrossing, and transcendent experience. One step away from being the next generations Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Arrival centers around an interpreter trying to work out an agreement with elusive alien figures in order to achieve global compromise as well as her personal afflictions. Even though it stumbles in the end, director Denis Villeneuve uses his complex and moody aesthetic to create a morally positive and smart movie that anyone can both love agree upon.

10. Captain America: Civil War

I’m honestly still baffled by how much Marvel gets away with being consistently great with their movies. They hold such a strong grasp of blurring the lines of campy comic book action and modernist blockbusters that they easily trump any other franchise that either tries too hard to do the same thing or not even trying at all. Even setting aside the bullshit Marvel-over-DC discussion – because apparently preferring “good” movies feels like a fucking war crime – Civil War especially just works! The dynamics between the characters feels fleshed out and understandable without feeling all over the place. The action scenes are inventive and appealing. The acting, directing, and special effects are all aces. Most importantly, it offers a thought-provoking and shockingly relevant moral dilemma without EVER resorts to moody and cheap execution. It’s just a real crowd-pleaser.

9. Fences

There are very few moments when I watched a film that moved me in my life, and the time I sat alone in the theatre watching Fences is certainly one of them. Adapted from an August Wilson play, Denzel Washington took it upon himself to write, direct, and star in this faithful adaptation that still has me shivered to this day. It centers around a middle class man who attends his family under pressure by his dark past and personal sins. It explores multiple themes of male authority and loyalty without ever losing the edge or nuance put on the table. For a film that surprisingly makes great use of its limited settings and cinematography, this is the type of film that proves that anything is nothing in any film without the gravitas of its lead performances and sharp script. Strong, tense, and sometimes delightful, Fences is Washington’s tour-de-force as well as a gravitating turn from Viola Davis. Please check this out and spread the word.

8. The VVitch

Here’s a movie you probably never heard about but get right into by now. While by no means a masterpiece, The Witch is just a unique experience. The premise is simple; a protestant family gets exiled for exercising their faith illegally and gets secluded in the outskirts of the forest. What they didn’t know is that the forest itself bares a sinister witch that haunts the family. Yes, it sounds like any run-of-the-mill Insidious clone, but it more than makes up for that thanks to its foreboding atmosphere, great sets, wonderful acting, and a great theme on paranoia and faith and persecution. It may not be too open for other moviegoing audience, but it’s certainly something you’ve never seen before

7. Silence

          Imagine the sheer BALLS it must’ve take to pull this movie off! A slow-burn 160-minute meditation of faith, humanity, cultural appropriation, sacrifice, and prolonged suffering? Even one that dares to say that God may or may not actually CARE about its pupils?! Recipe for disaster if you ask me, but it somehow works. Working well off his comfort zone from his typical repertoire, Martin Scorsese crafts a complex, layered story that questions faith upon turmoil but refuses to offer any answers. In many ways, Silence could also be a quiet subversion on the typical “white savior” story by having the main character get punished for even thinking of saving anyone. Hell, you might even teach a whole class on how to properly make a movie about religious persecution with actual CRAFT, WIT, AND UNBIAS! Whatever you do take from this movie, what will always be clear from the get-go is the wonderful acting, beautiful shots, and a gripping sense of dread. It’s a painfully slow endurance test of a movie with the heaviest religious themes but one that ultimately pays off, and one that underscores Scorsese as a master of his craft. If you manage to track it down in the near future, get comfortable and give it a chance.  

           

6. Elle

            Here’s a premise that I assure will piss anyone off; A female head of the gaming community gets raped by an unknown intruder and now wants revenge. Spoiling the rest of it would ruin the fun, but right now Elle might be Paul Verhoeven’s most devilishly poignant film yet. Everything you expect from this movie instantly gets undermined in ways that will shock you or relate to you or even both. Highlighting themes of sexuality, women dominance, the gaming community, and many more, this will be the film to either make or break you.

5. The Handmaiden

Chan-Wook Park has always made wonderfully insane movies that entertain and insight, but The Handmaiden is easily his magnum opus. Adapted from a Victorian era crime novel “Fingersmith” with an entirely different ethnic approach, the Oldboy director juggles multiple genres, tones, plot twists, and themes without ever doing too much of one or the other. It’s a cinematic balancing act; swinging from a crime thriller, to BDSM fetish, to South Korean culture, to even a heartfelt love story. Insightful, smart, sexy, funny, sweet, and above all else masterfull, The Handmaiden is one hell of an experience.

4. Swiss Army Man

Swiss Army Man is so fucking weird. Imagine if Charlie Kaufman smoked a bunch of shrooms and worked on a script with one of his younger nephews and you’ll probably know what you’re up against. It’s a movie about a man trapped on an island that befriends a talking corpse with the mysterious abilities to do superhuman capabilities with parts of his body. Wood chopping arms, fingers used as flints, and, yes, super farting! But amidst all this buffoonery, it evokes an unexpectedly sweet chemistry between the two leads as they figure out how to learn and fix each other. Without much spoilers, this film could be interpreted or enjoy in a multitude of ways. People could find nice connections between fixing personal demons, attending a firstborn child, finding who you are, among many more. Other people could just lay back and watch the absurdity of it all, not giving one shit about what it has to say. It’s a bold, weird, goof of a movie, but my kind of goof that you’ll probably get a kick out of as well. Give it a chance.

3. La La Land

Who says unapologetic, ham-fisted homages to 20^th Century Los Angeles couldn’t also be fun?  Watching La La Land is like watching a time capsule run wild with upmost sincerity. Everything from Golden Age Hollywood to traditional Jazz to Old-school musicals to even playwriting comes together in the most enjoyable experience of the year. And it’s all centered amongst an earnest yet surprisingly real love dynamic between two starry-eyed artists pursuing both themselves and their artistic ambitions. While Damien Chazelles previous film Whiplash succeeds as an insane and electrifying side of that ambition, La La Land also succeeds but with a softer, more colorful side of the same idea. Is it really just lightweight Oscar bait filled with Hollywood Easter Eggs and an onslaught of song numbers? Yes, but as far as these things go, it’s the best of its kind I’ll ever see, that’s for sure!

2. Kubo and the Two Strings

Someday in the near future, Disney will come across this little gem and kick themselves for not doing this story this well. The latest offering from Laika, Kubo and the Two Strings is just everything I wanted from a kids’ movie. With atmosphere, imaginative world along with tangible stakes, strong story lavished in ancient Chinese imagery and a widely impressive stop-motion animation, it’s a movie that enlightens, inspires, and transcends. Kids will absolutely love the brilliant colors and stop-motion animation, while adults would love the poignant, surprisingly human family dynamics and story. There’s not much to say other than it’s a complete package for all ages.

1. Moonlight. 

            I absolutely loved everything about Moonlight. I say that to almost every great movie I’ve seen in 2016, but I feel as though I honestly meant that whilst watching Moonlight. It’s not just because it has beautifully unique music and interesting cinematography. It’s not even just because it’s the first ever critically acclaimed film about homosexuals, black people, or anything part of the progressive milieu. It’s the best movie of the year because it takes all of these elements in a cinematic experience and crafts a genuinely personal story that tackles many angles on those elements. Centering around a boy named Chiron going through life in the ghetto streets of Miami, the movie takes a glimpse on how our sexual identity, childhood experience, past abuse, and perception of masculinity shape us as human beings. It’s a type of coming of age story that admits not everybody changes throughout the course of their lives. Even though anyone can change from innocent boy to thuggish adult, they are always the same inside. It’s a type of movie that dares admit everyone either battles with their personal ailments or hides them. It’s an ambiguous and moving piece and it’s all carried through a fantastic ensemble cast of Mahershala Ali, Ashton Sanders, Trevante Rhodes, Alex R. Hibbert, and Naomie Harris. Beautiful but bleak material, do not miss this!

Honorable mentions:

• ·       Deadpool (7/10)
• ·       Hardcore Henry (7/10)
• ·       Operation Avalanche (7/10)
• ·       American Honey (8/10)
• ·       Barry (7/10)
• ·       Moana (7/10)
• ·       Hush (7/10)
• ·       The Monster (7/10)
• ·       Manchester By the Sea (8.5/10)
• ·       Loving (7/10)
• ·       Birth of A Nation (7/10)
• ·       Hacksaw Ridge (7/10)
• ·       Sully (7/10)
• ·       Hell or High Water (8/10)
• ·       Doctor Strange (7/10)
• ·       Indignation (8/10)
• ·       The Neon Demon (8/10)
• ·       Captain Fantastic (7/10)
• ·       Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World (8/10)
• ·       The Jungle Book (8/10)
• ·       Pete's Dragon (8/10)
• ·       Zootopia (8/10)
• ·       Imperium (7/10)
• ·       BFG (7/10)
• ·       Hologram for the King (7/10)
• ·       The Mermaid (7/10)
• ·       Everybody Wants Some!!! (8/10)
• ·       Pop Star (7/10)
• ·       Barbershop The Next Cut (7/10)
• ·       Hail, Caesar! (8/10)
• ·       Eddie the Eagle (7/10)
• ·       10 Cloverfield Lane (7/10)
• ·       Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (7/10)
• ·       Nocturnal Animals (8/10)

Review: THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE!!

           The Columbine High School Massacre was one of the most important impacts of our nation and our school systems for a multitude of reasons. A rather common but nonetheless heartbreaking event, the tragic murders of twelve people left many hearts broken and spirits withered. Families, friends, and all people nationwide watch their TVs in shock and sorrow, as they hear the gunshots and see the tears flowing in young teenager’s eyes. Most heartbreaking, however, was the fact that it wasn’t some foreign terrorist attack nor some natural fire, but rather at the helm of two psychologically troubled teenagers who wanted revenge. This, in particular, led a huge impact in our society, such as a push to more weapons security as well as multiple campaigns on Anti-Bullying and Mental Health counseling. But a lot of these changes were hinged on the biggest question of the time - “why? Why did they do this?” Multiple claims were thrown into discussion but barely any of them were concrete: “It’s the videogames!”, says one. “It’s the bullies!” says another. “Maybe it’s that pesky Marilyn Manson!”, says that fellow over yonder. Even to this day, our perception of terrorism is constantly challenged, as many people desperately wished for an answer to this tragedy.

            But then, courtesy of the TV-level hacks of PureFlix, I’m Not Ashamed lunges into the fray and claims to finally have an answer! Centered around the recovered accounts of a diary by one victim Rachel Joy Scott, the film dares cement the fact that the tragic murders of 12 helpless victims were… an attempt to stop Rachel’s task of spreading the word of the Lord. No really. That’s it. I’m Not Ashamed literally evokes a metaphor saying that the root of terrorism stems from the fact that these people are Anti-God punk-rock losers who want to get revenge on those who believe in God.

OH MY F'ING GOD!! And that’s not even the worst part of the movie.

            I’m Not Ashamed is a disgusting dumpster fire of a movie. A terrible, poorly-conceived catastrophe that dares use the last moments of the victims of Columbine as a plot device to halt Rachel Joy Scott’s “exodus” without ever respecting or properly representing the truth out of it. It’s a pandering, bias-pushing disaster that sinks even below the worst this type of movie offers so far. It’s Remember Me bad. It’s Little Boy bad!

            Masey McLain plays a ditzy, obnoxious, Gossip Girl-rescue version of Rachel as she struggles with her last days of high school by supervision of her Christian household. After one harmless night out with her friends, her strict mother suggests the proper penance is to spend the summer in exile with her God-loving cousin on the farm so that she can find her righteous path. After she does, she acts like a saintly, cutesy little button to all her classmates. She helps a douchebag get back on his feet, joins a theater class, and makes a lovely friend with a mentally disabled kid. DAW,  MOVIE! YOU’RE JUST THE SWEETEST THING AREN’T YOU!?

            It’s not all smiles and sunshine, though. At times, she ponders about her faith and her place in the world like any other angsty, stupid-ass teens back then who never give a shit about anything other than themselves. This happens along with her breaking up with friends, arguing with parents and boyfriend, and dealing with stereotypical bullies. But then after some indiscernible reason, she finally finds her place (again?) with God and finally make friends with everyone in the school.

            Oh, and I should also mention the FUCKING SHOOTERS OF COLUMBINE!?!?! Yeah, apparently Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold’s backstories are rushed and haphazardly scattered throughout the movie until the final scene in which they have their way with Rachel and her newly found Christian friends. Because of the insulting rush-job, they’re given the most retrograde and insulting character traits that only the most cynical, right-wing filmmakers can come up with. They play violent videogames, argues against God, salutes to Hitler, wears black, gets bullied comically, shoots weapons for revenge instead of a sport like the original two shooters, and worships a pho-creationist/fascist “natural selection” belief. These guys sound like they should be fighting against Jack Reacher instead of a fucking classroom!

            Even apart from the asinine depiction and the insulting agenda-pushing by PureFlix, I’m Not Ashamed is just bad. The staging and direction are limp and inert. There’s no clear motivation or logic in anything going on within character or narrative. None of the acting works. The song cues are obnoxious. The dialogue swings from on-the-nose to just awkward. The drama’s plagiarized tenfold from other, better high-school movies. Most damning, there’s no way of smart, complex morality at play in a story that DEMANDS it. The bullies stop being bullies because “GOD, YAAS!!” and the shooters have no other trait beyond the “kill all that we hate!”. It’s insulting and unpleasant.    

            Now to iterate; I don’t hate God or am against any of those who follow a belief. I strongly believe that anyone has a right to follow their beliefs and that I don’t have any place to criticize anyone because of that. To all my Christian friends who love these Pureflix films or in general loves the aspect of spreading the word of the Lord, do what you wish and I am glad you do so.

            However, as I still stand, this movie is just disgusting. Everyone involved should be ashamed for this movie. I would never criticize any belief or opinion, but for a movie, like I’m Not Ashamed to do exactly that implicitly is just horrible. I want to burn this movie. I want to erase it from my subconscious and hope to never utter its name or see its poster again.

AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!